Monday, June 1, 2009

Not good.

I feel a little bit like I'm sinking lately.

There's too much happening at the moment, and I'm desperately trying to stay afloat.  Foremost on  my mind is our impending move.  I've begun to get my head around leaving Stanley and I think I might even be looking forward to some of the perks of being closer to home.  For a start, I'll be able to get home in a flash.  This means impromptu lunches at home with Ella like I had when I was on leave.  Quick breaks to see Cally.  Putting Buddy on the bus and even meeting him at the end of the day.  It also means I can be involved with the school things I enjoy - like Hong Kong Dancers - with my little ones alongside me.  

But, we still have to pack up and move.  And leave Stanley.

Being back at work means more demands on my time.  The last three Sundays and also a Thursday have been spent at HKD rehearsals.  We have end of year functions and farewells. Meetings.  Papers to grade.  Grades to calculate.  Ugh.

I'm trying to be a supportive wife as Joey works hard in his first class for his master's degree program.  I'm so proud of him taking this step to become a teacher himself.  He's made to be a teacher and is so good with kids.  But I struggle to watch him be so hard on himself.  I know he can do it, but how do I get him to really believe in himself and his ability.  I am biased, I know. But I know I'm right.  Yet, when he's down, he tells me he can't do it and that he's stupid.  And then at times I feel like I make things worse.  The other night, when I was trying to be helpful, I reminded him to save his work and then when he did it, his work vanished.  I felt awful.  And mostly, I want to help, but I don't know how.

And, my children.  Here's what's making me feel like a horrible mother.  Poor Buddy had a filling fall out of his tooth, and it's now hurting.  We're trying to get him into the dentist, but we should have done it sooner.  

And Ella.  She and Buddy were having such fun hanging with my HKD kids yesterday.  I left them in the auditorium so I could run back to my mum's to feed Cally.  When I went back over to check on them, I was greeted at the front of my mum's building by Buddy, a dancer and a crying Ella.  She'd had a potty accident.  She had probably been too embarrassed to ask someone to take her since I wasn't around and then was devastated that she'd gone.  I've played this over in my head since yesterday, feeling terrible that I'd left her.  Wishing I could go back and do yesterday over to save her the embarrassment.  Especially since she's such a good little potty go-er.  She's never had a poop accident.  Ever.

I'm ready for summer.  Ready to enjoy my last month in Stanley - doing all the things I love there with my babies.  The beach.  The coffee shop.  The park.  Ready to see my sisters so they can meet Cally.

One month in Australia will be lovely.


gilly said...

You're coming to Australia!! Are you going to fly right over the top of me? I suppose i more or less just flew right past you (twice) so I can let you off but know that if you want to make a stop there's loads of room for you all!! x

Shan said...

You're coming to Australia for one month?! Awesome. We would love to see you all again, and meet gorgeous Cally. Are you staying with the Macafees?

emily said...

oh, dear.
i'm here. i hope you know that. (i know you do.)
i'm thinking of you, wishing (once again) that we were near. i could lean on you, you could lean on me...


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